...And the child that is born on the Sabbath Day,
Is bonny and blithe and good and gay.
Four years to the day after the death of Elvis Presley from a heart attack, the lady we've since come to know simply as "Gareth's mum" gives birth to a good and gay baby boy who she names Gareth David Saunders. Newborn Gareth is as innocent in appearance as any other child of his modest age, and so the world goes about it's business largely unaware that a change has very definitely occurred, and that things will most likely never be the same again. For the meantime, however, things are quiet.
Gareth by this time is eleven years old, and beginning to attend Pontarddulais Comprehensive School. It's during his five years here that Gareth meets Andrew Davies and Jason Williams, the pair who an inquest will later find largely responsible for Gareth's sad decline into madness in early 2006. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Gareth turns his hair blonde, and manges to make himself look exactly like a guy in a solero advert. He's taunted by schoolchildren whenever he walks down the street.
At Jason's 18th birthday party Gareth is caught on camera talking to some girls breasts. He also features in several other photos.
Gareth falls asleep on the journey back from Oakwood, then suddenly and without warning wakes up and shouts "HEDGEHOG!!" for no apparent reason.
Jason starts keeping a proper record of all the stupid shit Gareth says and does. Nearly two years later this record proves invaluable when Jason sits down in front of his computer to write an online biography and shrine to all things Gareth.
Gareth makes plans to go for a drink with Jason, but when Jason arrives at Gareth's house to pick him up, he's told by Gareth's mum that Gareth has gone on an assault course instead.
Gareth gets an answer wrong in the pub quiz, and tries to use the pocket encyclopedia he'd been cheating with to prove to the organisers that he was right all along. He's eventually dissuaded by his team-mates.
Gareth gets himself staggeringly drunk at Jason's belated birthday party, and brings the evening to a conclusion by throwing up on Rob's shoes in Time.
Gareth, Jason, Rob and Andrew plan a trip to Oakwood Park. Jason, Rob and Andrew wait for half an hour outside the DVLA for Gareth to finish work, only to be told that he's changed his mind, and he's not coming after all.
Gareth casually uses the phrase "having a Portugal" in general conversation, and when pressed on the matter he claims that's a commonly used slang phrase meaning to have things go badly. A google search reveals no other example of the term ever having been used in this context before.
Gareth makes Andrew drive more than 20 miles from Worm's Head to Pontarddulais to pick him up. When Andrew arrives, Gareth announces he's changed his mind and he doesn't want to go out.
Gareth refuses to go and fly a kite with his friends because of credit problems.
Gareth fails to show up for his own 22nd birthday party. Everyone else has a great time.
A phone rings.
Jason: Hello?
Gareth: Yo dude. I'm back in Swansea. What you up tonight?
J: Nothing much. Why? Do you want to go for a pint or something?
G: Not tonight, I'm busy.
Gareth breaks an awkward silence during an evening at the Old Inn by declaring "I've just realised something. I am David Brent."
An even more awkward silence replaces it.
After a night of drinkage, Gareth throws up on his girlfriend during sex. He blames a "dodgy kebab." Everyone's thinking the same thing, but nobody says it.
Gareth: "Gummy bears do weird things to my head!"
Gareth misreads a bus timetable and spends an hour standing in a torrential downpour.
Gareth: "There's more to speedway than just going round in circles: it's a team game. I don't understand it completely, because I've only been watching it for two years."
Gareth also says he's going to be living with two people from "the land of the Dutch" when he moves to Aberdeen. We ask if he means Holland. He says no.
Gareth: "Hey Chris! Did you know your cat's really shiny?"
Someone (maybe Gareth himself) updates Gareth's MSN profile. His occupation is listed as "sex instructor," and his hobbies include "choking the chicken, spanking the monkey, and beating my meat."
We phone Gareth to ask if he's coming to the Old Inn. He tells us it depends on the Indians. We don't ask.
Gareth reveals to us all that he's been getting text messages saying "You Cock." The seed of an idea for a website forms in the minds of those present.
Gareth unleashes his unique brand of karate-dancing on the unsuspecting clientelle of Jumping Jaks. He also leaves his phone in a taxi on the way into town. Later, Gareth will claim he wasn't drunk on this occasion, even though he did leave early and threw up the stairs on his way out.
Gareth defends his karate-dancing to the assembled audience at the pub, but declines to give a demonstration to those not lucky enough to have witnessed it the first time around. He says that although it may look stupid, he was "definitely more toned" afterwards.
Jason and Andrew come up with the idea for this website. Jason (who's been drinking) immediately registers the domain name youcock.co.uk for the project.
Quizmaster: Helen Sharman was the first britain to do what?
Gareth: Die?
Later, Gareth gives yet another demonstration of his dubious karate-dancing so the people who didn't get to see it the first time round can check it out too.
Saunders returns from Aberdeen and we all go to the Old Inn for a drink. Saunders mentions during conversation that "New Zealand is like the Wales of Austria!"
Jason immediately writes this down so it can be added to the site.
Nick: "Do you want to go to Ireland tomorrow night?"
Gareth: "No, I have to grout my fucking house. We're getting a fucking shower installed."
And then later...
Gareth: "If a man wants to suck my cock and I'm fucking hammered, as long as I don't remember in the morning it's fucking OK with me."
Gareth: "Apparently anal sex isn't so bad with a bit of jelly."
Are we the only ones noticing a common theme recently?
"The leaves of Spring turn to the foliage of Autumn, yet the tree always remains standing."
We thought that was probably the most poetic Saundersism ever. Then later:
Gareth (out of nowhere): "Well one good thing's come out of all of this anyway..."
Jason: "What? What's the good thing?"
Andrew: "And where's it come out of?"
Gareth: (Sigh) "Never mind."
Gareth (during a conversation about Father Ted): "I still love the sheep."
Then later, a random toast breaks out:
Gary: "To beer!"
All: "To beer!"
Gareth: "To piss juice!"
Andrew asks Gareth if he's ever been shagged up the arse. Gareth, who hasn't really been following the conversation, looks up from his drink and says "Yeah, briefly." He then doesn't understand why everybody's laughing at him.
Then later:
Gareth: "Paranoia, remember. It's what kept Stalin alive!"
During a conversation which went along the lines of 'how do you know you wouldn't like something if you haven't tried it' Gareth lets slip to us all that he suspects drinking elephant jizz directly from the elephant would be "probably quite nice."
And also...
Natasha: "Andrew got up in the middle of a crowded train and pulled his pants out of his arse."
Gareth: "Yeah, that was a good match I was forced to watch."
Gareth: "Pissing is all down to technique... as is everything in life."
We tell Gareth that the world record for eating pickled onions is 46 (we didn't make this number up, Jason asked some bloke he bumped into at the bar) so Gareth rather heroically consumes 50 while the rest of us simply look on in awe and video the moment for posterity.
Gareth also sees fit to liberally pepper the evening with some classic conversational Saundersisms, not least this first one:
Gareth: "Oh so THIS is a buffet! I thought it was just some sort of foody thing!"
Gareth: "I like to have my mouth full of balls that taste a bit vinegary." (We think he may have come out with one deliberately)
Andrew: "All you do all day is wank and watch Trisha"
Gareth: "Yeah, simultaneously. Trisha's hot, y'know?"
Gareth: "Oh man. I shouldn't have eaten those pickled onions. They're generating gas."
Gareth mentions that he'd "like Russell Crowe's voice, just for one day." Unfortunately, nobody thinks to ask him what he'd do with it.
Gareth: "To enojoy the tea, first you must know the tea."
We couldn't agree more.
For the second time in recent history, Gareth's permanant state of confusion at the world sees him getting into a stranger's car.
Gareth comes out of his house, walks past Jason, who's waiting in his car, crosses the road and approaches a young family who are getting bags of shopping out of their boot. Gareth looks at the man, who's wearing a rugby kit, and asks "What the fuck are you wearing shorts for?"
Possibly too stunned to answer in a suitable manner the man stands in an uneasy confused silence, leaving Gareth to proclaim "Sorry mate, wrong bloke" before once again crossing the road and getting in Jason's car.
Classic.
We're noticing that Gareth and Jimmy are a dangerous combination. Conversations like this leave the rest of us reaching for stiff drink:
Jimmy: "How many chickens have flown over your coup?"
Gareth: "30"
Jimmy: "Wouldn't happen."
What in God's name is that all about?
Gareth disappears from a night out at about midnight. Moments later, Andrew receives the following text message from Gareth:
"I never stay where I don't belong. Although I must admit I belong very few places. Goodbye"
Happily, however, Gareth hasn't actually killed himself, he's merely decided to walk home from town, a distance of some 10.2 miles or so. Andrew finds him around three hours (and 2.8 miles) later, in a confused state and wandering around in a circular fashion near the Marquis Arms.
Natasha: "I have to ring work to find out what time I'm working tomorrow."
Gareth: "So what time are you working tomorrow?"
Natasha: "Well I don't know, that's why I have to ring them."
Gareth returns to Swansea for the weekend and is immediately on top form:
Gareth: "You're a bitch and a slut and a whore... and if you know what song that's from I'll give you five points."
Andrew: "I don't know, give me a clue."
Gareth: "I don't really know what song it's from, just the album... actually I don't know what album it's from either."
My subsequent Google searching couldn't answer this one either, so we still have no idea what song it's from. Later Gareth is talking about how he plans to raise some money to spend a week in India doing some charity work:
Gareth: "No construction experience is necessary."
Jason: "To do what?"
Gareth: "Build a house."
Charity or not, we wouldn't want to have to live in it.
Gareth pushes in front of Andrew in the queue for the cashpoint. As retribution for this Andrew elbows him out of the way as soon as he's entered his PIN number and withdraws somewhat more than Gareth was planning to.
By our count this is now the sixth time this has happened, bringing the total to a cool £1200.
